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Arts & Letters Daily

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Template I: Feedback on Paragraph Format and Sentence Patterns


Use the following template to write feedback on paragraph format/sentence patterns.

Format

  • Paragraph format
    • Main idea sentence: YES/NO

–          Suggestion

  • Sub-ideas: focus on the main idea YES/NO

–          Suggestion –

  • Conclusion: YES/NO

–          Suggestion

  • Sentence patterns

–          Suggestion –

  • Sentence Problems

–          Correction –

–          Correction

–          Correction –

  • Active and passive verbs

–          Suggestion:

  • Other

–          Suggestion:

–          Suggestion:


Sample A

My name is Lim Thau Khan. I am eleven years old.

My school is Yuk Kong. My best friend is Vincent and Johnny.

I have 5 member family, father, mother, two brother and i.

My hobby is soccer and badminton. I like to dog and cat.

Feedback

  • Paragraph format
    • Main idea sentence: YES/NO:

–          SuggestionI want to tell you about myself.

  • Sub-ideas: focus on the main idea YES/NO

–          Suggestion – focus on the main idea.

  • Conclusion: YES/NO

–          SuggestionNow you know something about me.

  • Sentence patterns
    • Used several sentence patterns

–          Suggestion –

  • Sentence Problems
    • I have 5 member family, father, mother, two brother and i.

–          Correction – My family has five members, father, mother, two brothers and me.

  • I like to dog and cat.

–          Correction – I have a dog and a cat.

–          Correction –

  • Active and passive verbs: YES/NO
    • Use active verbs instead of ‘is’ and ‘like’.

–          Suggestion: I play soccer and badminton.

  • Other Sentence Problems

–          Suggestion: Do not start a new line for a sentence.

–          Suggestion:


Sample B

My name is Emanena, I am eleven years old. I study at Yuk Kong. I have many friend, my friend is Nur Lafira, Olga, Christie and Angela. I live in Kompung Meninipir, I live with my family. I have one young brother and two young sister. My ambition is to be a teacher. My pet is a cat, I call him Mimi.

Feedback

  • Paragraph format
    • Main idea sentence: YES/NO

–          SuggestionI want to tell you about myself.

  • Sub-ideas: focus on the main idea YES/NO

–          Suggestion – focus on the main idea.

  • Conclusion: YES/NO

–          SuggestionNow you know something about me.

  • Sentence patterns
    • Used several sentence patterns

–          Suggestion –

  • Sentence Problems
    • My pet is a cat, I call him Mimi.

–          Correction – I have a pet called Mimi.

  • I have many friend, my friend is Nur Lafira, Olga, Christie and Angela.

–          Correction – I have many friends, they are Nur Lafira, Olga, Christie and Angela

–          Correction –

  • Active and passive verbs
    • Used active and passive verbs

–          Suggestion:

  • Other Sentence Problems

–          Suggestion:

–          Suggestion:


Sample C

My name is Joralyn Otay. I study in Yuk Kong.

I have many friend. My best friend is Mary Tan Chew Lian.

I live in Kg Pasir Putih. I have seven family member. I have three brother, two sister and one little sister.

My ambition is to be a teacher. I have a pets that is a cute kitten.

My hobby is cycling. Every day I cycling my bicycle to Mary house. And then we go to a park.

Feedback

  • Paragraph format
    • Main idea sentence: YES/NO

–          SuggestionI want to tell you about myself.

  • Sub-ideas: focus on the main idea YES/NO

–          Suggestion – focus on the main idea.

  • Conclusion: YES/NO

–          SuggestionNow you know something about me.

  • Sentence patterns
    • Used several sentence patterns

–          Suggestion –

  • Sentence Problems
    • Every day I cycling my bicycle to Mary house. And then we go to a park.

–          Correction – Every day I ride my bicycle to Mary’s house. Then we go to a park.

  • I have a pets that is a cute kitten.

–          Correction – I have a cute kitten for a pet.

  • I have seven family member. I have three brother, two sister and one little sister.

–          Correction – I have seven family members. I have three brothers, two older sisters and one little sister.

  • Active and passive verbs
    • Used active and passive verbs.

–          Suggestion:

  • Other
    • Do not start a new line for a sentence

–          Suggestion:


Sample D

Note: I have drawn a line through the words that are incorrect and followed them by the corrections underlined and in red.

Bernard, who is a twelve-year-old boy, is my best friend. Bernard and his family are Christians so they cerebrate Christmas Day. Last year, Christmas seasons was around the corner, Bernard and his family were busy bees. They bought a small Christmas tree to cerebrate the Christmas Day. Bernard helped and his father decorated the Christmas tree. They worked hand in hand so they could finished the decoration decorating faster. They were as busy as bees. He helped and his father to put up hung the beautiful and shiny lights on the Christmas tree. The Christmas tree was as beautiful as a rainbow.  After they decorated the small Christmas tree, they were tired. They go to sleep slept and had a nice dream that night. When they got up, they found that there were some presents under the Christmas tree. They were very excited. Bernard, his brothers and sisters were as happy as larks as they saw the presents under the Christmas tree. The presents were wrapped with gorgeous wrappers.  Bernard and his family sat around the Christmas tree and prayed. They prayed to thanked to the and thanked God for giving them a healthy living. After they prayed, they opened the presents immediately. They got different kinds of presents each. They were surprised as when they received the presents.

Feedback

  • Paragraph format
    • Main idea sentence: YES/NO

–          Suggestion – I would change the order of your sentences. The first sentences should be the main idea for example: Bernard and his family are Christians so they celebrate Christmas Day.

  • Sub-ideas: focus on the main idea YES/NO

–          Suggestion – excellent ideas and details

  • Conclusion: YES/NO

–          Suggestion – The conclusion should refer back to the main idea. It was a very busy time but their best Christmas ever!

  • Sentence patterns

–          Suggestion – See corrections in the paragraph.

  • Sentence Problems
    • They prayed to thanked to the and thanked God for giving them a healthy living.

–          Correction – They prayed and thanked God for giving them a healthy living.

  • He helped and his father to put up hung the beautiful and shiny lights on the Christmas tree.

–          Correction – He and his father hung the beautiful shiny lights on the Christmas tree.

–          Correction –

  • Active and passive verbs

–          Suggestion:

  • Other

–          Suggestion: Try tenses – try to avoid infinitives – ‘to’ followed by a verb, eg. ‘to put up’, ‘go to sleep’, ‘to thanked’. Use the simple past tense.

–          Suggestion: – Prepositions – use ‘when’ instead of ‘as’

Comment: You have written an excellent paragraph containing many interesting details.