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Arts & Letters Daily

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Template III: Feedback for a Descriptive Paragraph

Use the following template to write feedback on the descriptive paragraphs.

Format

Introduction (Main idea and the 5W’s) – YES/NO

–          Correction –

Body (supporting details including the 5 W’s) – YES/NO

–          Correction –

Conclusion – YES/NO

–          Correction –

Description

  • How is the information organized? Check for one of the following:

–          1st, 2nd, 3rd OR a, b, c – _______

–          before/after – _______

–          Near/far – _______

–          top/bottom – _______

–          Important OR outstanding – _______

–          Time line – _______

–          Correction –

  • What kinds of key words have been used?

–          Refer to sight, sound, touch, smell, taste – _______

–          Use colourful words/action words – _______

–          Refer to something familiar to the readers – _______

–          Refer to personal events – _______

–          Correction –

Sentence Problems

–          Correction –

–          Correction –

Grammar

–          Correction –

–          Correction –

–          Correction –

********************


Sample A

On 7 July 2007, I came back from school, I open the door and I saw my fish give my friend the cat eat. She name is Larin, she is a girl. She have a big orange eye, a big fat body. She like to eat the fish food. My mother comforted because she every day I come back and move active.

Feedback

Introduction (Main idea and 5 W’s) – YES/NO – used an original introduction. Does the main idea focus on ‘What’? It is not clear.

  • I opened the door and I saw my fish give my friend the cat eat.

–          Correction – I opened the door and I saw my friend give my fish to the cat to eat.

Body (supporting details including the 5 W’s) – YES/NO – includes ‘when’, ‘where’, and ‘who’.

–          Correction – stick to the main idea … the details are confusing. The main idea is about the fish being eaten. The details are about the cat.

–          Correction –

Conclusion – YES/NO

  • My mother comforted because she every day I come back and move active. (The ending does not make sense.)

–          Correction – Find out from the student what she wanted to say.

Description

  • How is the information organized? Check for one of the following:

–          1st, 2nd, 3rd OR a, b, c – ­________

–          before/after – _______

–          Near/far – _______

–          top/bottom – _______

–          Important/outstanding – _______

–          Correction – No particular organization

  • What kinds of key words have been used?

–          Refer to sight, sound, touch, smell, taste – ___*____

–          Use colourful words – ___*____

–          Refer to something familiar to the readers – ___*____

–          Refer to personal events – _______

–          Correction/comment – great descriptive words: big orange eyes and  a big fat body

Sentence Problems

  • I opened the door and I saw my fish give my friend the cat eat.

–      Correction – I opened the door and saw my friend give my fish to the cat to eat.

–          Correction –

Grammar

  • name is Larin, she is a girl.

–          Correction – Her name is Larin.

  • She have a big orange eye, a big fat body.

–          Correction – She has big orange eyes and a big fat body.

–          Correction – Since the event happened in the past, use the past tense throughout the paragraph.

Comment: The sentences should run continuously.

********************

Sample B

Oh dear!  My dog is gone. I have a cute, black, white and fat. It like to eat bone.

One day, I take my dog jog in the park. Suddenly my dog ran too fast but I still pull the rope, later the rope is broken. When I home, I feel very sad.

The next day, my friend see me very sad so he comforted me with a cute dog Sticker. Then I feel very happy. My friend said if me happy he will happy too.

One week later, my friend, Norliah found my dog in the park.

When I see my dog I feel very surprise then I hold my dog. I feel very funny because my dog is black already. So I bathe to it.

I hope it will never happened again.

Feedback

Introduction (Main idea and the 5 W’s) – YES/NO – focused on ‘what’.

  • Oh dear!  My dog is gone.

–          Correction/comment – Used an original sentence This makes the paragraph more interesting/ Well done!

Body (supporting details including the 5 W’s) – YES/NO

–          Correction/comment – The details are related to the main idea. Used the 5 W’s – when, where, why, who.

ConclusionYES/NO – Well done!

  • I hope it will never happened again.

–          Correction – I hope it will never happen again.

Description

  • How is the information organized? Check for one of the following:

–          1st, 2nd, 3rd OR a, b, c – _______

–          before/after – ___*____

–          Near/far – _______

–          top/bottom – _______

–          Important OR outstanding – _______

–          Correction –

  • What kinds of key words have been used?

–          Refer to sight, sound, touch, smell, taste – ___*____

–          Use colourful words – _______

–          Refer to something familiar to the readers – ___*____

–          Refer to personal events – ___*____

–          Correction –

Sentence Problems

  • I have a cute, black, white and fat.

–          Correction – I have a cute, fat, black and white dog.

  • When I home, I feel very sad. (good complex sentence)

–          Correction – When I came home, I felt very sad.

  • later the rope is broken’.

–          Correction – Later the rope broke. (This should be a new sentence.)

Grammar

  • I take my dog jog in the park. (mixing present and past tense.)

–          Correction – I took my dog for a jog in the park.

  • Suddenly my dog ran too fast but I still pull the rope, later the rope is broken.

–          Correction – Suddenly my dog ran too fast but I still pulled the rope.

–          Correction –

Comment: I have not corrected all of the verb tenses. I think that you could correct the other verbs now that I have done a few.

Over all this is an excellent paragraph.

********************

Sample C

A Picnic

Yesterday, Vivian and I had a picnic at Tanjung Indah Beach. We woke up early in the morning. We prepared the foods, fruits, a bar of chocolate and a packet of milk. We went there at 7.00 a.m. When we arrived there, we saw many children were played (making) the sandcastles In the afternoon, we had lunch. After (we) ate, we went to swam. We played happily. We leave  Tanjung Indah Beach in the evening. We were very tired.

Feedback

Introduction (Main idea and the 5W’s) – YES/NO – focused on ‘what’.

  • Yesterday, Vivian and I had a picnic at Tanjung Indah Beach. Well done.

–          Correction –

Body (supporting details including the 5 W’s) – YES/NO

–          Correction/comment – Supporting details: who, where when. Well done.

ConclusionYES/NO

  • We were very tired.

–          Correction/comment – Good conclusion.

Description

  • How is the information organized? Check for one of the following:

–          1st, 2nd, 3rd OR a, b, c – _______

–          Before/after – _______

–          Near/far – _______

–          Top/bottom – _______

–          Important OR outstanding – _______

–          Time line – __*_____

–          Correction –

  • What kinds of key words have been used?

–          Refer to sight, sound, touch, smell, taste – _______

–          Use colourful words/action words – ___*____

–          Refer to something familiar to the readers – _______

–          Refer to personal events – _______

–          Correction –

Sentence Problems

  • Used a variety of simple, compound and complex sentences correctly.

–          Correction –

–          Correction –

Grammar

  • When we arrived there, we saw many children were played the sandcastle.

–          Correction – When we arrived there, we saw many children making sandcastles.

  • After ate, we went to swam.

–          Correction – After we ate, we swam.

  • We leave the Tanjung Indah Beach in the evening.

–          Correction – We left Tanjung Indah Beach in the evening.

Comment: Very well done!